Just say, “No!” I am sure there is barely a person on the planet who hasn’t either heard the
phrase or been told to enact it. Such a simple short phrase but it can cause such stress for many people. How is it working for you? How many times have you encountered situations or people in the last day, week, month, or year that you wish you had been able to just say “no” to? Was it a difficult decision to not say “no” or was it just an automatic reaction to avoid saying “no”? How did you feel? What were the consequences for you and\or for the others involved? Did everything work out OK or did you have regrets? We know that it is healthy to say “no” sometimes but why don’t we do it as often as we should?
Why Do We Avoid Saying “No”?
I believe everyone has had times when they have wanted to say “no” to something but didn’t. Why do we avoid using that simple response even when doing so makes us feel unhappy, or guilty, or stressed? Sometimes, we feel trapped, powerless, or simply unable to refuse others’ wants or situations. When do those times arise in your life and why didn’t you just say “no”? Often, if not always, we avoid saying “no” out of fear. We are afraid of the consequences of saying “no” to a situation. For example, during the pandemic many were afraid to say “no” to restrictions for fear of losing their employment. We may avoid saying “no” out of fear of harm to ourselves or others or feeling threatened. Some are coerced into saying “yes” out of threat of physical or emotional harm. This is often the case for someone caught in the cycle of abuse.
We may also avoid saying no because we are afraid of someone else’s reaction. If you are at all like me, you will find the most difficult time to say “no” is when someone askes for your help – especially if it is a loved one. My automatic reaction to almost every request is a “yes” even when, at times, it should have been a “no.” Even when I am too tired, or too stressed, or too worried, I will “dig a little deeper” for the strength and resources to help. Why do I do that? Is it because I love and care for them and have a belief that is just what you must do for those you love and care for no matter what state you are in? So, if I say “no” do I believe they will think I no longer love them? Where did that belief in self sacrifice come from and am I really helping if I am self sacrificing? Would my loved one want me to do that? OR do I self sacrifice because I have a lesson in self worth? Perhaps… Do I avoid saying “no” and go “above and beyond” to prove my worth, to ensure that I am of value to that person? Am I a people pleaser and want people to like me? Am I afraid the requestor won’t value me, won’t love me, if I say “no”? Do I avoid saying “no,” consciously or subconsciously, to create a situation that will get me the attention of others? Am I seeing myself as a martyr? Do I avoid saying “no” because I believe I am the only person that can “do it right” whatever the request is. Am I afraid of someone else “doing it wrong” and harming my loved one who made the request? Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Some avoid saying “no” out of obligation. We feel we should say “yes” to something because we “owe” that person something. We either have a sense of needing to pay back or return a favour or we have been socialized to believe that we owe someone something because of our relationship with them. For example, a person may feel they owe it to a friend to host them on their annual vacation because after all, they are your friend. Some also avoid saying “no” out of pity or guilt. For example, you may feel you should pay another person’s way whenever you go out together because they make a lower wage than you do. You feel sorry for them when you hear about their financial struggles and so pay their way out of pity. You don’t say “no” to the unspoken expectation you feel that you should pay. Do you ever say “no” out of obligation or guilt?
Sometimes we avoid saying “no” and then in retrospect, we can’t figure out why we did that! From early childhood we have been conditioned NOT to say “no.” How many of you have heard the phrase, “don’t say ‘no’ to me!” as a child? How many of you have been punished as a child when you said “no”? How ironic is it that one of the first words we learn to say is quickly socialized out of us!? It is then replaced by the adults in our life telling us “No” – “no don’t touch that,” “no, don’t eat that,” “no, don’t go in there,” etc. It is no wonder that we avoid saying “no”!
Why Should We Say “No”?
A few days ago, just after Spirit brought this topic to me to write about, they also brought in another strong message about responsibility. I went to bed worrying about one of my family members and they woke me in the middle of the night with the clear message “You are not responsible!” I had thought I was at the back end of my life lesson in responsibility, but I had to be grateful for the reminder. I am not responsible for anyone except myself. So, when I say “yes” when I should just say “no” to situations where I step in and rescue them, or make decisions for them, or do for them what they can do for themselves, I am overstepping my boundaries. I am not responsible for their life. As difficult as it is, I should say “no” so they can work through the lessons they chose to learn this lifetime. I also learned that by saying “no” I create opportunities for others to step in to help and fill that void as they were meant to.
If I avoid saying “no” and take on a task or situation when I am not fully engaged, or too tired, or not well, I cannot do my best in that situation. When someone askes for my help, they deserve to receive my best efforts. When I say “no” because I am not able to do my best to fulfill the request, I am respecting and honouring that person and myself. I am recognizing my limits/boundaries and treating myself with the love and respect I would treat someone else with.
I have also learned that any situation where my intuition prompted me to say “no” and I didn’t, I have regretted it. It can be anything from not saying “no” to eating a food that affects me badly, to spending money on something I don’t need, to attending a social event that I can hardly wait to leave. Saying “no” is an important part of self care. We need to say no to things, people, situations where we end up unhappy, stressed, unwell, or worse, harmed. We are on this planet to experience joy so why do we create situations for ourselves that are anything but enjoyable? Learning to say “no” is a way we can care for ourselves and can increase that joy!
Learning to Say “No”
There are some things most people have already learned to say “no” to. For examples, dangerous activities such as driving through a stop sign on a busy road. However, even with those things we have free will to choose our response. Spirit wants to remind us that we have free will to choose in any situation, even those where we feel we are the peacemaker, the one who needs to be loved, or even the one who is threatened.
1. Acknowledge your intuition and your response to it
In every situation when your intuition is screaming at you, “just say no!” start by acknowledging that little voice. Pause and feel how your body, mind, and emotions are reacting to that intuitive advice. How does your body feel when you hear your intuition telling you to say “no”? Do you feel neutral or relaxed or does your stomach get into a knot of fear? Where is that fear coming from? Your stomach is in the solar plexus chakra, your power chakra. Are there issues coming to the surface regarding taking your power back by saying “no”? What thoughts do you have in response to your intuition guiding you to say “no”? Are you thinking your intuition is correct and in your best interest or is your ego getting loud with fearful consequences or thoughts that make you feel powerless? Is it causing you to second guess your intuition? What is your first emotional response to saying “no”? Is it a sense of freedom, relief, and happiness or does fear, guilt, or worry creep in? Notice what language you are using to respond to the situation or request. When the words “should’ or “but” come up regarding saying “yes,” you are hesitating. Perhaps you truly want to say “no.” All of these responses are clues as to what the right response is for you.
2. Look at the bigger picture
Once you have paused to pay attention to your reaction to potentially saying “no,” listen again to your intuition, your higher self, and look at the bigger picture. Are you serving your best interest by saying “no”? Are you keeping those responsibility boundaries intact? Remember, you are only really responsible for yourself as an adult. Is it in the best interest of others for you to say “no”? Will you clear the path for them to learn their life lessons or for others who are meant to assist be able to? Can you value yourself enough to say “no” instead of relying on others to determine your worth? Find where the fear or underlying belief that is holding you back comes from.
3. Release the fear and/or limiting underlying belief
Your first “no” is to the fear, obligation, guilt, worry, and coercion that is holding you back as well as to the limiting belief. This is a big step and so important to not being a prisoner of your own thoughts. As an adult you no longer need to take on the fears and beliefs of others influencing your life as you did when you were a child. Look for the lessons that are presenting to you and perhaps making you hold onto the old. Ask your ego to step aside. It has had its time when fear kept you safe but that is no longer relevant. Replace the fear with positive thoughts about the outcome of “just saying no.” Let go of the obligation, guilt, and worry about others. Spirit has their back too. Eliminate the limiting belief, rewrite that story, close the loop and release what no longer serves you, what stops you from saying “no.” The limiting belief is most often tied up in lessons of self worth and value. Spirit wants you to know you are perfect just the way you are and that you are loved. The angels often say that they wish we humans could see ourselves as they see us – perfect beings of love and light on an immense and beautiful journey. You know you have really released fear and limiting beliefs and are coming to the back end of the lesson when you feel calm, centred, and there are no longer the “buts” and “what if’s” rolling around in your head.
4. Just say "no”
Once you no longer have anything holding you back, use your free will to make a decision that is in your best interest. Allow yourself to “just say no.” Consider the options regarding how you will say “no.” Sometimes it is a firm, direct, simple “no.” Sometimes a simple explanation such as an example given to me by a friend, “I just need to say no this time for me” is enough for the recipient to know that the decision is about you and your needs and no reflection on them. Sometimes a “no” is not verbal but rather an action such as leaving an unsafe situation. Say your “no” with conviction in your heart. Know that this decision is in your highest good. Say it with love, honour, and compassion for yourself and others involved. Say it with pride and stand in your power.
Create Your Best Life
Saying “no” is part of creating our best life. We can say “no” to many things. They may be as simple as that second helping of desert to as complex as saying “no” to illness, poverty, negative emotions, a job we hate, a future that we don’t want. We can say “no” to the bigger things in life like war, hate, discrimination, greed, etc. Can you imagine our world if everyone said “no” to these things? Some may not as it is not their path. For those who are meant to, we can put our energy into love and compassion and replace the hate and fear that drives those “bigger than life” things that we feel so helpless about. Our energetic input of saying “no” does have an impact globally. It is part of the future we create for ourselves. We do not have to be a victim of external circumstances. We can stand in our power and just say “no.” Sometimes we can even decide to say “no” to how Spirit is delivering our lessons to us. We can ask for a gentler approach when we are not coping well with the current delivery system! When we say “no”
to things that no longer serve us, we are able to focus on the life we want for ourselves without fear, worry, and doubt. We are able to keep our thoughts positive and experience more joy. Think about it – how can saying “no” change your world?
I know that learning to say “no” is not as easy or simple as it may sound. So, we can count on Spirit to give us as many opportunities as we need to trust our intuition, to engage in self care, and to learn the lessons we chose to learn by saying “no.” As tough as it is sometimes, the more we say it, the more perspective we get and the easier it is. Soon we will feel neutral and even good about the “no’s” we deliver in our own best interest. It is a journey, and I am right there with you learning to “just say no!”
Sending you love and light,
Marilyn
Intuitive Counselling and Angel Card Readings
If you would like to receive some spiritual guidance specifically for you, I am offering intuitive counselling, angel card readings, and angel numerology readings online or in person (in Calgary).
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